In search of the Big O? Why you’re not getting there.

What’s next after overcoming sexual anxiety or pain?

You are amazing! You got a tricky diagnosis and did the hard work to get better.

Maybe you struggled with vaginismus, dyspareunia, low arousal or some other type of sexual challenge. It touched every part of your life, work, relationships… everything. It was hard, but you did it. You found the relief you deserve.

And you didn’t just heal on your own. It usually takes a whole team of experienced professionals to guide you through the process. Did you work with an ob-gyn or pelvic floor specialist? Maybe you did some physical therapy. And once you understood the importance of the mind-body connection, maybe you reached out to a sex therapist with specialized training in pelvic pain and trauma-informed therapy. You could have worked with one or all of these dedicated healthcare providers. 

You should be incredibly proud of yourself because it’s not an easy road. I know how difficult your path to wellness is. Because I struggled for over a decade with chronic pelvic pain and low arousal… and all of the mental health issues that come with it. 

When I first experienced symptoms, there just were no good answers. I was willing to do the work, but couldn’t find anyone to show me the way. So I actually developed my own proven system backed by solid neuroscience. It helped me find the relief I was looking for. I’ve used those same methods to help many women get alleviation from their pelvic pain, too. If you’re still struggling with pain, get your journey to relief started with my free 4 day online course.

Pain-free or more comfortable sex… now what?

No two healing warriors’ journeys are alike. What symptom relief looks like for you and how you got there… that’s your unique story. But the pain or overwhelming anxiety is gone. Now, you’re ready to move on. 

You’re less crippled by anxiety around sex! You’re able to have pain-free sex again! Yaass!!! You have the loving support of someone special in your life. And you’re finally ready to heat things up in the bedroom again. No pain, no fear… and no big O? Why?!

I mean, you’ve been waiting to get to this place. The chemistry with your partner is great. You want to have sex. So why can’t you orgasm?

Well, while you were working so hard through your pain journey, it’s possible there was a part of your treatment that was neglected (it happens all the time). When you first started working on sexual obstacles, your number one priority was relief. That was your focus and your doctors’ focus too. Completely understandable, right? When you felt your worst, maybe you weren’t able to have penetrative sex. Or if you did, there was always an element of pain, fear, or anxiety. So it makes sense that you weren’t able to orgasm.

But hey, now the pain’s gone, and maybe the anxiety is a lot less. So why can’t you pick things right back up in the bedroom? If the pain made it hard to enjoy sex… and the pain is gone… why aren’t things automatically back to normal?

Can’t orgasm? It’s more common than you think

It’s actually very common to experience anorgasmia (not being able to orgasm) when you’ve struggled with any kind of pelvic pain or overwhelming stressor. The diagnosis of anorgasmia and vaginismus or dyspareunia really go hand in hand. That’s because all of the desire and comfort around sex has been a challenge (or even painful) for a long time.

So it’s extremely helpful to work with a sexual health provider that understands these dynamics. Because it’s possible to treat these issues simultaneously. This means, even if you’re still experiencing pain and not able to have sex right now… you’re able to address your anorgasmia from the very beginning of your treatment.

Arousal and desire naturally go down with pain. You may also experience issues with body image… or just how you think about sexuality in general. The great news is you can work on enhancing your arousal and desire – yes, even while you’re still working to relieve pain. Because they aren’t separate issues. It’s all connected.

Your doctor didn’t tell you?

I know you’re thinking – if not being able to orgasm is connected to pelvic pain and sexual anxieties, why didn’t my doctor tell me? I figured once the pain was gone, things would be great. If it’s so common to experience these issues together, why am I just hearing about it now?

Unfortunately, a lot of doctors don’t have a good understanding of these issues and how they relate to each other. Wait, even my ob-gyn? Sadly enough, yes. Many will share time-honored pearls of wisdom like “oh, you just need to relax”, “you just need to lubricate more”, “have a glass of wine”… or my favorite, “have you tried getting drunk?” What kind of doctor recommends getting drunk to address a medical issue? 

It’s not their fault. Many of them just haven’t received adequate training on these issues. Still, it’s incredibly frustrating for the many patients that get passed from doctor to doctor and get the same practically *useless* advice. We go to our doctor when something is happening in our bodies that we don’t understand. We’re scared and unsure of what to do next. We need their guidance and trust in their knowledge to find solutions.

Stop the cycle and find answers.

It’s so sad that many women and vulva owners will cycle through countless doctors, often for years. Not only are they still experiencing symptoms, but they start to lose hope. It doesn’t have to be that way because there are answers. The more we understand the brain and how closely it’s tied to our bodies, the better we can treat issues like chronic pelvic pain.

You need to work with someone who’s had specialized training in trauma-informed therapy and pelvic pain issues. When you find someone who understands how these diagnoses are linked to anorgasmia, you can finally get unstuck. 

Here’s the most common reasons, in a nutshell — do any of them sound familiar? We’ve already mentioned a few:

• Past pain or sexual anxiety. When sex has been problematic, it’s hard to let go and be present in your body. You need mind-body connection treatment and coaching to help you overcome the psychological barriers those issues created.
• Lack of good communication about what you want, need, or expect in sexual situations. Most of us think that sex and orgasm should “happen naturally” — this is a myth. Instead, you need to cultivate it like tending to a garden. Start with figuring out what actually turns you on. This sexual arousal assessment can help with that. It’s like 5 Love Languages but for your arousal. It’s called the Arousal Architecture™ and was created specifically for people who have had trouble with arousal and orgasm. Plus, it will give you a free eBook to help you talk about your arousal design with partners.
• Sex-negative belief systems are still influencing what you think about your body, sex, and pleasure. You need to rewrite your sexual narrative if you’ve dealt with a culture or community that views sex in a narrow lens and doesn’t promote body-positivity or pleasure-based information. Our online program Wanting to Want helps people take control back over their sexual experience by uncovering blockages around sex in a safe and science-informed process. Book a call to see if it would be a good fit for you. If you have ever said to yourself that you want to want sex but don’t know how to get your brain and your body to communicate about it, I really believe this program will help you.

After navigating my own pain journey, I’ve helped many folks just like you to find relief from sexual anxieties and pelvic pain. And not just relief, but deep satisfaction and pleasure. Trust me, it’s absolutely possible. Check out my website to learn how a sexual health expert can help you. O… the possibilities.