Innovative Ways to Go From Painful Sex to Powerful Pleasure

Wouldn’t it be great if relationships were like the movies? There’s so much romance and everything is perfect. The main characters are so in love, and their sex life is so great that they even climax at the same time and live happily ever after. 

But that’s not the reality for everyone. Human sexuality is complicated, and so are our relationships. And for many women and vulva owners, painful sex is part of the equation.

Whether you just started experiencing painful sex or have struggled for a long time － there is hope. Not only is pain relief possible －but powerful pleasure is also within your reach.

What causes painful sex?

You deserve to know what causes painful sex. And it makes sense to ask your doctor or gynecologist for answers. But don’t be surprised if their response is less than helpful.

It’s not their fault, and they mean well even when their advice is to “just relax” or “have a glass of wine beforehand.” Most health care providers － even gynecologists － don’t have the training to assess and treat such complex issues as painful sex properly.

Your doctor should take a detailed medical history to rule out any underlying medical conditions.¹ They’ll check for things like: 

• Vaginal infections
• Pelvic inflammatory disease
• Pelvic floor dysfunction
• Ovarian cysts
• Scarring from previous surgeries or injuries
• Hormonal imbalances

If none of these are to blame, the cause of painful sex may be related to your mental health. The mind-body connection is powerful, especially when it comes to sexuality. So your doctor may talk to you about:

• Stress
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Guilt
• Perfectionism
• History of abuse

However, some doctors don’t believe in the power of the mind-body connection, so if they’re not willing to explore the above, know that it still might be a factor in your pelvic pain history. 

And consider getting a second opinion – I had to see 8 doctors before someone finally validated my experience of dealing with painful sex and helped me toward relief.

When you’re struggling with pelvic pain, it feels like your body is working against you. I know how frustrating it is because I battled pelvic pain for over a decade. I couldn’t figure out why sex hurt!

Understanding what causes painful sex is the first step to taking control back. 

Are you experiencing painful sex after taking birth control or menopause?

As women and vulva owners, our bodies fluctuate a lot throughout our lives and even during the month. We experience hormonal changes that impact our daily activities during:

• Puberty
• Menstrual cycles
• Pregnancy
• Breastfeeding
• Menopause

It’s entirely possible that you previously enjoyed satisfying and pleasurable sex, but everything changed after menopause or after starting birth control.

If you’re struggling with painful sex after menopause, you’re not alone. According to the North American Menopause Society, between 17% to 45% of post-menopausal women report that sex is painful.²  Because estrogen levels naturally fall before, during, and after menopause. 

Hormones are also impacted after taking birth control. These changes in hormones make vaginal tissue dry and thin out. Without sufficient lubrication, you may feel sore during or after sex. Many vulva owners who experience discomfort have sex less often.

But this can make the problem worse because even infrequent sex can lead to tearing or bleeding in the vaginal tissue. And the anticipation of having a lousy experience reduces your body’s natural lubrication.

The good news is that you don’t have to accept painful sex as the norm after menopause or being on birth control.

You can continue enjoying satisfying and pleasurable sex through the best years of your life.  Let’s take a look at a few things you can do to avoid painful sex.

How to avoid painful sex

It’s understandable to stay away from situations that are uncomfortable or painful. It just feels so much easier to avoid painful penetration. Outta sight outta mind… right?

But if you’re having pain in your vaginal tissue and don’t take action to treat it as soon as possible, you could be causing a bigger problem: the inflammation and damage to the nerve endings could become permanent.

However, if you’re on the healing journey and painful penetration is off the table for a while, it’s essential to have some ways to help maintain a healthy sexual life even if you’re flying solo right now.

If you’re in a relationship, it’s even more important to have satisfying alternatives for penetration, otherwise it can create more emotional pain or distance between you and your partner. Your partner truly cares for you and wants you to feel safe and happy. They don’t want to hurt or cause you anxiety.

And yet, they also desire to be sexually close to you. The truth is you both have needs. If painful penetration is getting in the way of your relationship, neither of your needs are being met. So, what can you do to avoid painful sex?

Try these simple things first (but for many of my clients they often need more than this):

• Use a good, body safe lubricant (water-soluble is best) during any genital stimulation; reapply frequently!
• Communicate your needs
• Set boundaries
• Create a relaxed setting
• Take a warm bath before (to help calm your mind and body)
• Make time for warm-up because natural lubrication is helpful (FYI — bodies with vulvas need 20-40 minutes of pleasurable stimulation to reach orgasm, so warm-up is key!).

If you’ve tried this and still experience discomfort, it may be helpful to see a physical therapist. They teach you exercises to strengthen and relax the areas you’re struggling with.³

It takes time to pinpoint the causes of painful sex and address them. But that doesn’t mean abstinence is your only alternative.

You can avoid painful sex by thinking outside the box. You and your partner can masturbate together. Since you’re touching yourself, you have control of the situation, which will reduce your anxiety.

Try giving each other a sensual massage. Kissing and oral sex are also great ways to have a good time together.

Even if penetrative sex is not currently a part of your relationship, you can still enjoy intimacy and connection with your partner.

Eliminate the cause of painful sex

If you’re still experiencing discomfort or can’t get over the obstacles in having some kind of sexual intimacy, the next step is talking to a qualified Sex Therapist (and someone who’s a pelvic pain specialist is even better). They work to determine the cause of painful sex. And they teach you tools and skills to help you overcome obstacles.

Even if you don’t determine the cause of painful penetration, this can’t stop you from finding relief.

Your Sex Therapist will teach you how to harness the power of your mind-body connection. Instead of your mind and body working against you, you’ll learn to take back control.

Depending on the Sex Therapist’s style they might suggest mindfulness, breathing techniques, or positive affirmations.

At Sex, Answered. we focus on innovative solutions using the NeuroSomatic Sex Method for Sex Therapy and Coaching. I designed this method when I realized that the standard for sex therapy and pelvic pain treatment wasn’t working quickly enough for my clients.

Using somatic exercises, trauma-informed interventions, and pain psychology, this process helps clients feel empowered and excited about their healing journey instead of overwhelmed and burnt out. Plus, we help them learn that “pleasure” looks different for everyone, so we help clients rewrite their sexual narrative for more authentic arousal and pleasure.

Just because the pain is gone doesn’t mean pleasure is automatic. Especially if you’ve experienced painful sex for a long time, your mind and body may not be ready to enjoy sex yet. 

Imagine what your life would be like when painful sex is a distant memory and you can enjoy intimacy with your partner without fear or anxiety.

Your Sex Therapist will help you make the transition. It is absolutely possible to go from pain and discomfort to pleasurable sex. 

I created a free 4-day online course to show you how to stop experiencing painful sex. And how to start enjoying satisfying, pleasurable sex again. The course has the same tips and resources I teach my private clients, so I’m confident they’ll help you, too.

You deserve to live without pain and enjoy intimacy with your partner. Take the first step to your definition of a fairytale happy ending and book an intake call with one of our specialists if you want to get your Sexual Solutions Road Map for pain relief and powerful pleasure.

1. Painful intercourse (dyspareunia) – Symptoms and causes – Mayo Clinic ↩︎
2. Pain with Penetration, Sexual Side Effects of Menopause ↩︎
3. Dyspareunia (Painful Intercourse): Causes, Treatments, and More ↩︎