You and your partner are enjoying some amazing smooching and suddenly their hands move to parts of your skin that you feel like you should enjoy. But instead you tense up. 

“What’s wrong?” Your partner pauses with a concerned look on their face. “It’s nothing, I’m just tired” you counter. Your partner sighs with frustration, and you feel guilt creep into your heart, again.

You know you can’t go on having painful sex every time you want to get intimate. But you also know you don’t want to keep turning down your partner’s advances for sex.

If this situation sounds familiar, don’t worry, a solution lies in this post. 

You might have been dealing with this stressful pattern for years. It could have been that awful moment you tried to use a tampon to join in the swimming exercise at school. Perhaps, it was with a former lover who tried penetrating you, and your body screamed in pain. 

This (unfortunately) common experience could be a condition called “Vaginismus.”

So what’s next? Let’s take a deeper look at Vaginismus and find out why it happens and how you can have fantastic sex despite dealing with a Vaginismus diagnosis.

What Is Vaginismus?

Vaginismus is when the vaginal muscles tighten unconsciously or repeatedly, causing muscle tension and difficulty being penetrated by something like a doctor’s speculum, a penis, a tampon, or a sex toy. 

When you have Vaginismus, you might feel like every time something comes close to your vagina, an invisible wall is built to prevent penetration. For some folks, the pain is extremely severe. For other folks, the pain is mild or they simply can’t go any further into the vaginal canal.

It’s important to note that Vaginismus might not always affect your sexual arousal, but if left untreated, it will likely start to decrease arousal because your body starts to associate penetration with pain (including emotional pain, like disappointment). As such, it might also begin to associate sexual arousal with pain. But more on that later.

According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG), approximately three out of four women experience pain during intercourse at some point in their lives. 

For some people, Vaginismus starts before any kind of sexual activity, meaning penetration has never occurred painlessly. This is known as primary vaginismus. For others, it begins later in their life. That means, formerly, penetration was possible and painless, but due to some factors, it became painful or impossible.  This is known as secondary vaginismus.

Vaginismus is a common problem among women and folks assigned female at birth (AFAB), so you’re not alone.

You can overcome this awful experience. All you need is reliable sources of information on how to manage this condition and still have great sex. So keep reading, because I’ve got you covered!  

Why Does Vaginismus Happen?

Even though doctors haven’t been able to say, “This is the specific cause of Vaginismus,” there are a few suspected reasons that trigger vaginismus. They are:

1. Fear

This is the most common cause of vaginismus, and it also connected with other causes listed below. Fear of the outcome of the sex (like pain, shame, or disappointment), fear of getting pregnant, fear of your vagina size, and sexual or performance anxiety can all lead to Vaginismus. When this fear creeps in, your muscles become so tense and contracted that it’s difficult for anything to enter. 

2. A Horrible First Time 

If your first penetrative sex was horrible, there is a high chance you might not be looking forward to repeating that event. It could also have been even earlier than a sexual encounter, like a painful experience with a tampon or medical trauma.

Your muscles start to anticipate pain and contract to keep the painful “thing” out and away from your vagina.

3. Past Sexual Trauma

If someone has been sexually assaulted in the past, it can make the person associate sex with pain, thereby developing Vaginismus.

4. Sex-Negative Beliefs. 

If you grew up in a conservative culture (or religion), you might have a different view on sex. If you were taught that sex is something that should be spoken in disgust or something immoral, it could make you anxious, leading to Vaginismus. 

Folks who also associate their genitals as “dirty” or shameful parts of their bodies, Vaginismus might occur as a maladaptive protection.

5. Health Problems

Some medical conditions like Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs), bacterial vaginosis (BV), yeast infections, and Urinary Tract Infections (UTIs) can cause Vaginismus because your body is in pain and wants to keep you from putting something in it that will cause you more discomfort.

Please note that the cause of your Vaginismus might be unclear until you see a doctor. The doctor will examine you physically and ask questions about your sexual history. Armed with this information, the doctor might be able to discern what caused your Vaginismus.

However, not all doctors are well-trained to treat vaginismus properly, so make sure you work with a specialist to learn about the most effective treatment options. You can click here to talk with one of our specialists!

How To Enjoy Sex With Vaginismus

When you are trying to have good sex, it can be very frustrating to deal with a resistant body. It can feel like your body is betraying you — I totally get it!

Not to worry, all you have to do is to understand what your body wants and how it wants it and be open to trying different techniques. 

Let’s look at some of the tips that can give you safe and enjoyable sex:

1. Vaginal Dilators

Dilators are cylindrical-shaped equipment that are tapered at the end. They are inserted into your vaginal canal to help stretch your vaginal skin tissue and muscles. While paired with somatic or mindfulness exercises, such as those we teach our clients, the vagina (and mind-body connection) learns to stop associating pain with something inside the vagina.

Dilators can help your body get used to penetration. It is important you start with a small dilator first and then increase the size as time goes on. 

Some of my clients have responded to this guide when using their dilators:

• Apply water-based lubricant to the dilator so that it can enter your vagina with ease. 
• Gradually and gently insert the dilator into your vagina. Keep inserting the dilator until you start feeling discomfort, then stop. 
• Take gentle breaths and exhale to release muscle tension as you insert the dilator further.
• Gently move the dilator in and out to replicate penetrative sex, making sure to pause anytime you experience a pain level 4 out of 10, then breathe and wait until it reduces. Then you can try again. Do this for 5-10 minutes.
• Please note, always follow the instructions your treating doctor recommends if it’s different than these general guidelines.
• Once you are done with the dilator therapy, remove the dilator and wash it thoroughly in warm, soapy water, and dry with a clean towel. 

Repeating this dilator therapy 3-4 times per week, has been incredibly helpful for my clients when guided by a professional. Some find that alternating their dilator days helps them avoid irritation or pain by allowing their body a day or two off.

Some folks have reported small amounts of bleeding during or after using a dilator. There’s no cause for alarm; it can be normal. However, if this bleeding is heavy enough to fill up a sanitary pad or if it lasts more than a day, see your doctor. Any questions or problems you experience while using a dilator should be made known to your doctor. 

2. Unlearn And Relearn

If the cause of your vaginismus is from sex-negative messages, trauma, or unpleasant past experiences, then your brain has some unlearning to do.

Sex isn’t something to be ashamed of, and neither is it something that reduces your worth as a person. It’s also not something to fear, although it makes sense if you do.

The environment we grow up in has a significant impact on our lives. If you grew up amongst people who shunned healthy sex education and refused to discuss anything sex related in positive ways, it might impact you negatively. This is why you need to unlearn all the harmful ideologies about sex you were taught and learn proper sex education instead. This will improve your sex behavior and make you relaxed and more comfortable in your body. 

Unpleasant experiences (like non-consensual sex acts, painful tampon insertion, or anxiety-ridden gynecological exams) also require rewiring your brain’s association with penetration and sexual experiences. Learning to feel neutral about penetration is the next step forward, which is exactly what we teach our clients in our Overcoming Painful Sex program.

3. DO NOT DO Kegel Exercises

No matter what you’ve read or heard about “vagina exercises,” if you’re experiencing pain during penetration, you do not want to do Kegel exercises! 

These exercises increase muscle tone and contraction, which causes more pain and knots in your muscles. Stay far away from “vagina toning,” pussy eggs / jade eggs, or any other kind of kegel exercises unless you’ve spoken with a pelvic floor physical therapist.

4. Try Other Sexual Activities

Penetrative sex is not the only way to have a good sexual experience. You can cuddle with your partner, massage, and touch one another. This helps you to understand your body and that of your partner more, find your sweet spot, and connect on a more intimate level with your partner. 

When we prioritize penetration as the “main event,” we lose out on so many more satisfying sexual experiences. Instead of seeing other sexual activities as “lesser” activities, shift your mindset to view them all as equal experiences for a variety of sexually pleasurable activities.

5. Work With An Expert

I understand it might not be easy to discuss what we always consider private parts of our lives with someone we barely know. But when you work with someone specifically trained to work with these kinds of issues, you can resolve Vaginismus so much more quickly. 

Talk to someone educated on Vaginismus, be it a sex therapist, sex coach, or a knowledgeable sexual medicine doctor. They are better positioned to understand how Vaginismus has affected your life and your relationships. They will help point you in the right direction and provide better help than your family and friends.

You shouldn’t have to put up with painful sex, especially since there are effective remedies. You deserve to have enjoyable sex, and you should get it. 

If you are looking for a reliable approach to overcoming Vaginismus, search no further. I can help you figure out why your body is trying to protect you and how you can have satisfying sex while you unlearn tension in your vaginal muscles. Book a call today! 

References:

1. What is vaginismus? 
2. Vaginismus 
3. How to use a vaginal dilator 
4. Vaginismus and painful sex: treatment options for when sex hurts